If you have a wall calender with a cute puppy or kitten on it for each month, I want you to go ahead and carve that animal’s eyes out and color in the square for May 8 with the darkest black marker you can find.

“Who’s killing whom? With Punisher, Slim Shady and Barracuda all armed to the teeth and gunning for each other, expect plenty of bullets, blood and betrayals in PUNISHER/EMINEM: KILL YOU by Fred Van Lente and Salvador Larroca.”    -Marvel.com

Everyone knows I love the Punisher. He’s the perfect hero in literally every way. Something you may not know about me, I absolutely loathe Eminem. You want to talk about one of the most lame, defunct, and hypocritical assholes on the face of the earth, then you want to talk about ol’ Slim Shady. Remember the movie 8 Mile? Remember how you wanted to jam every razor blade you could find into your neck or wrists? Did you know that’s because Eminem is awful?

Look, this isn’t the first nor will it be the last time that Marvel does some terrible marketing tactic that everyone will just roll their eyes at; but this one hurts. Never will I understand why Mark Millar and J.G. Jones decided that their lead character in Wanted should be Eminem. That’s the sort of logic that would make Stilt-Man the ideal Captain America. Anyway, I won’t be reading this but I will be praying tonight that I forget that I wrote this article and that any of this happened. I expect the rest of you to not talk about it to me either.

Butner Brimberry
Butner@comicimpact.com